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Saturday, August 11, 2012

For American Men Who Want to Find Love in The Philippines

I'm guessing you may have had a good job and been laid off or forced to take early retirement. It is likely you have been divorced at least once, and American women seem unreasonable, avaricious, selfish, and impossible to please. You have heard that Asian women believe in more traditional gender roles, or that many are "submissive." Let me just tell you right now, that all those stereotypes are put out there by someone who is selling something. For the most part, it is total bullshit. This post is about what living in the Philippines is really like, and how to find the girl of your dreams, while avoiding the dragon ladies.

Before I get started on this subject, let me tell you that I made nearly every mistake it is possible to make. I am a very lucky guy, and in spite of all my mistakes, I ended up married to a great girl who really loves me and is always trying to make life better for me. The most important bit of good luck I had was that I didn't run into a real scam artist or predatory woman. You can't count on my kind of good luck. An ex-inlaw once said that I could fall into a pile of manure and come up smelling like a rose, but you probably won't be naturally lucky.  I think many, many Philippine women are attractive. Most have excellent figures, and pretty faces.  Many have gorgeous long black hair. As is true all over the world, there are shapes and sizes for every taste.  However, there is a big difference in personalities, attitudes, and behavior, so it is even more important here not to just look at a girl's appearance.

If you are going to find a girl you can really love, and who will really love you, and not just your money, first you have to stop thinking and acting like an American. Americans are in a hurry, and most want everything all planned out and guaranteed. Life is messy. It won't work out all neat and tidy, or even close to the way you imagine.

This sentence should be in bold, all caps: It is impossible to get to know a person on the Internet. You can't expect to have a girl ready and waiting, and in love with you when you arrive; unless you are content with an actress. My advice is to stay away from Internet introduction or dating sites completely. You, and possibly even the girl, may fall in lust or love, but it will be with an image, not a real person. Your image of the girl will have all the gaps filled in from your own subconscious, so of course she seems perfect; but believe me, your image of her is not who she really is. If you want true love with a real girl, you are going to need to do some work.

I believe it is very important for you to know yourself well, and figure out the kind of girl you really will be happy with for the rest of your life. You need to think this through carefully, and in some detail. "Not a bitch like my ex-wife" is not going to do you any good. For me, a girl who didn't get grossed out clipping my toenails and cleaning out an enlarged pore on my back were two important indicators of what kind of girl she really was. I always had to get up early to go to work, before I retired, and my ex's never made me breakfast. I always felt I was doing all the giving in my marriages, so a sweet girl who wanted to do things for me was important to me. The things you need to feel LOVED may be simple, or complicated, but you need to know what you need, or you are going to end up with something else, and you will not be happy.

You need to figure out what kind of a budget for living expenses you need. Do you need four star amenities and service, or do you prefer a simple life? Either is available here, but all the American style conveniences come at a price. You need to plan for medical insurance, if you don't have pre-existing conditions; or doctor visits and medicine, if you do. Do you need the hospital and doctor's office to look like the Mayo Clinic, or can you deal with going where the locals do? You can read some of my other blog posts to get an idea about the differences between public and private hospitals, and the prices for medical care.

I recommend that you come to the Philippines single, travel around the 7,000 or so islands, and see where you feel at home and want to live for a while. This also gives you a chance to see if girls in one region look better to you. Women in different regions act and dress differently, based on the availability of jobs and local cultural expectations. Some behavior will be more appealing to you, but you won't know unless you go out and talk to people.

It is very important to stay away from bar girls and strippers, if you really want a happy, long term relationship. Dr. Drew Penski says that girls who make their living taking advantage of, and fooling men, can't have a real relationship because men become, "Johns," that is, targets to be exploited, not individual persons. He also says that strippers almost always grew up being molested or abused and need to have chaos in their lives. They will make their own mayhem if you treat them nicely.

You need to go out and walk around and talk to people. Be friendly, but don't show off or try to impress people. Try to learn something about the Philippines and your local area. Most girls are shy about their English. If you can learn Tagalog, it will go a  long way toward being able to meet and get to know a great girl.

Employment discrimination is pervasive in the Philippines, and in large mall stores, especially anchor department stores, sales girls have to be between 22 and 27 and have a college degree to get hired.  I may just be a sucker for a girl in uniform, but I do think that many of the sales associates are very attractive, and the uniform shows off their figures nicely. Sales associates are on salary, but most strive to be helpful, because they are always watched and evaluated. This gives you a chance to talk to girls, briefly, to see if anyone interests you enough to ask for her number or to meet for coffee after she gets off work. Be sensitive to her working conditions and don't get her in trouble with her supervisor by talking to her for too long at work. You don't always have to buy the socks or underwear, or whatever, but you should always look at them for the benefit of her supervisor. Of course there are many other places to look, like restaurants, market stalls, car or motorcycle dealers, doctor's offices and hospitals.  Generally government offices, like Immigration, or Land Transportation Office are very busy and people are stressed, so they are not good places to meet a girl, unless she is there as a client or customer.

Employers don't trust employees, so every sale has to have a hand written ticket or receipt. The supervisor has to initial the ticket before you can take the purchase away from the cash register. If it is a big ticket item, three or four people have to verify that you really paid for the item, and the security guard will probably open the box to make sure there isn't a 60" TV in the box marked, "fan." As part of theft prevention, sales people are moved around frequently so they don't have the opportunity to plan cooperative theft with coworkers. Don't count on a girl you like being in the same department until you get your courage up. Filipinas you want to meet are generally shy. If a girl comes on to you, be very wary, because she may have experiences that have side effects you don't like. Some girls are so shy, they may not show up to meet you, even when they want to. That's why it is important to just be friendly until you really get to know a girl and are sure you want a romantic relationship. If you tell a girl you are OK with her bringing a friend to your first meeting, she may be braver, and actually show up.

Sometimes a girl can be great, but her family may be after money, and may even be dishonest about it.  One American I know says that he was shocked that all the Filipinas he knows have a father in the hospital and a mother at death's door.  If you run into this right away, you can be sure the girl is running a scam to get money from you.  Most girls feel a responsibility to give something to their family, and you need to be OK with that, or else try to find a girl with no living relatives.  Some girls are sensible about giving money to their mother, and others are obsessive about it, living in virtual poverty, in order to send money to mom. You need to find the level that you can live with.

If you are still working, and have business associates, they can be important resources who can help you meet a great girl.  Of course it is important not to do anything that would make the girl, or her family, sorry she met you, or it could destroy your business relationship.

In summary, take the time to know yourself and what you need. Take the time to get to know a girl and find out who she really is. If you are looking for a long term relationship, it is best to concentrate on one girl at a time. Don't look for short cuts, and don't be fooled by girls who make a living playing a role to get money from men. To find a real girl, you have to be a real man, and act like one.

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